I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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