Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
