Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
