That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
