I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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