Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
