Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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