I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
50% drunk capacity currently
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
