Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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