Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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