Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
MIDGETS
????
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You ate ashes out of my bong
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
