I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I AM VODKA MAN
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize