when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
