life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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