Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
