I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize