my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
