If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
