the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
