how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
