dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
