I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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