you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
