enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Pants are for mortals
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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