Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
