i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
