I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
