And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
