I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
BRING THE BAGELS
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
