THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
