I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
