closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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