I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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