I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
