You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
