Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
