but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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