i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize