hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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