She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
