New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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