it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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