you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
