So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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