hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
