Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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