Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
