I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
