i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
