I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
