Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
