every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
