I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
