Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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