i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
