Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
